It’s good to be back online after the Laptop Fairy snatched my pc from a Sainsbury’s car park in Darlington. Her gift left in exchange for my state-of-the-art machine was nothing flasher than a cement-encrusted brick lying in the footwell and I don’t mind admitting to feeling a bit short-changed.
I wasn’t overly impressed by her smashing the window to get in approach either. I would have expected a little more grace and elegance from a fairy.
The glass has become a ubiquitous and omnipresent feature of the van, however many times I hoover it. I’ve even gone through the seats with an industrial strength masking tape, and just when I think I got rid of the last of the tiny shards, I get viciously surprised by another.
Later, while I waited for someone to come replace the broken glass, guarding the stable door after the horses had bolted, I watched eagle-eyed the embankment where the Darlington Laptop Fairy would have sprung from, convinced that if I looked hard enough I would see a rustling in the bushes or maybe even hear the gleeful laughter, in utter amazement that someone would be stupid enough to leave such a precious item lying in full view.
And sure enough she turned up again. An ugly and hairy knuckle-dragger of a fairy. No need to wait for this unsatisfied customer to clear off before the next swoop: she carries on her regular beats, not unlike a computer-animated bot, following the same circular path around the car park while peering into the cars and texting her accomplices after completing her reccy mission.
A word of warning to future victims of the Knuckle-Dragging Laptop Fairy of Darlington: don’t bother asking for advice from the Sainsbury’s staff. Apparently, they can’t even provide you with the local police phone number as whatever happens in the car park is not their problem!
A special request to the Ugly Knuckle-Dragging Laptop Fairy of Darlington: if you get the chance, could you send me the pictures of my holiday in Umbria and Majorca? They’re the only ones I have. No? Ah well, worth a shot.