Georgie Boy and Stevie Boy

The White House. The 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush, meets Steve Hadley, National Security Adviser.

SH: Mr President, I have some good news and some bad news.

GWB: Okay, give me the good news first.

SH: Sir, our analysts have looked at the situation in Iraq and concluded that if things continue as they are, the people will end up eating shit.

GWB: I asked for the good news first, Steve. Gee!

SH: That is the good news, sir; the bad news is that some experts have already pointed out that there won’t be enough shit to go around.

GWB: No problem. We’ll send them some of our own shit, American shit, the best shit in the world. Hell, we could even have a Shit for Oil Programme, kill two terrorists with one shot, as it were… Anything else?

SH: Well, I have also been consulting members of the senate and the news is that the Republicans are revolting.

GWB: You’re telling me… I myself only joined because of daddy.

SH: I mean on Iraq. They want troops withdrawn as soon as possible.

GWB: I don’t get these people. Since this conflict began probably as many innocent people have died as would have under Sadam anyway, give or take a few hundred thousand.

SH: Give or take… No, sir, the main concern they cite is the possible loss of votes for the party.

GWB (exasperated): If only we could find a strong leader for Iraq, Steve, someone able to keep Sunnis and Shias alike in check.

SH: Someone like Sadam, perhaps?

GWB: Yeah! Where’s Sadam when you need him?

SH: We executed him, sir.

GWB: Couldn’t one of our scientists bring him back to life? What sort of decomposition state would he be in now?

SH: Uh, I don’t think our science is that advanced yet, sir.

GWB: What about re-animation through some kind of electric shock therapy? Worked with Yeltsin.

SH: I think one of the requirements is that the ‘patient’ is at least breathing for it to work, sir. And anyhow, the public wouldn’t buy it. Witnesses filmed his execution with their cellular phones, remember?

GWB: Maybe we could say we executed one of his stooges by mistake. Things get confused in war, Steve.

SH (incredulous): Yes, Mr President.

GWB (wistful): I miss the good ol’ days when Daddy was president… Back then we could do anything we liked and no one cared. Hell, we even carpet-bombed Panama without too much hassle from the media. Now you can’t break wind without the New York Times sniffing the air.

SH: Technology has shrunk the planet, sir. Everyone agrees it’s a good thing.

GWB (not listening): Tell you the truth, Steve, I never was very fond of those Iraqis.

Steve gets up to leave.

GWB: You’re a smart man, Steve. You have all these degrees and you even know when to insert an apostrophe in ‘its’. Can you answer me this one question?

SH: Sir?

GWB: Just how did our oil end up under Iraqi soil?

SH: …


20 Responses

  1. Hilarious!! That is seriously funny.

  2. “I used to look down on the world for being corrupt, but now I adore it for the utter magnificence of that corruption.”
    -Richard Needham

    So funny. So hard not to wince horribly, Edvard. Great piece!

  3. I never understand that when its good news or bad news, people ask for the good news first … I’d always ask for the bad first so that you end on a high!

  4. Love it, EM. Love it.

    (Belle, me too.)

  5. it’s depressing

  6. Hilariously depressing. Or depressingly hilarious. One of those.


  7. Politics as well? My, my, we are branching out.
    Good job it was up to your amusingly high standards, then 🙂

  8. little sausage: thanks. you mean, seriously tragic, of course.

    lj: whenever re-reading something I wrote, I often wince too.

    belle: welcome. I bet you and zinnia leave your favourite bit of food on your plates to be eaten last. am I right? I, on the other hand, scoff it first, lest I drop it on the floor before I get the chance to eat it.

    zinnia: thank you.

    clarissa: sorry to have depressed you. but fear not, in my next post I’ll be casting my eyes over the world through rose-tinted spectacles in a heart-warming tale of my relationship with fluffy animals.

    jen: hi and welcome. depressingly depressing perhaps?

    mr. x: hullo mr. x. does it count as politics? I’m not so sure…

  9. that last line is a gem. nominated for post of the week.

  10. Very clever, Mr. Moonke. However, I think we all know Georgie Boy wouldn’t use big people words such as ‘conflict’ and ‘gee’.

    [OK, cheap shot, I know. But that is what we have been reduced to.]

  11. You have to laugh otherwise you’d cry! Well done, Marcos! Another good sketch!

  12. depressing yet hysterical –
    and i never ever know when to put the
    apostrophe in either:(

  13. […] exceptions are Edvard Moonke (who is a guest judge this week, and also won last week) and pandemian which, although I liked it, […]

  14. Edvard,

    Very funny.

    And many congrats on your impending fatherhood news and on winning Post of the Week, which was well deserved. (I was shortlisted the week before, always the bridesmaid never etc).

    I still remember the day Brainbox was born 13 years ago. It was the day when, as he popped out into the world, I immediately loved someone more than myself.

    The best book I read about fatherhood was A Good Enough Dad by Nigel Planer (he of The Young Ones fame). He voiced many of my initial worries.

    Anyway, good luck. You’ll make a great dad.

  15. Belated congratulations re the previous post and it’s subject! Truly hilarious…

    So do these new events speed up or negate earlier deliberations you’d been musing on regarding putting down permanent roots either here or elsewhere??

  16. I’ve only just stumbled across your blog; hilarious and insightful to read about Brazilian’s take on England. I’m a Celt (so I’m told) or English (If I believe what it says in my passport) and live in splendid isolation in deepest, darkest Africa. Will be back for me.

  17. Edvard,

    Re your Hampton Court comment: we were there Thursday 12th July so we missed caught by your cameras.

  18. Edvard,

    I’m sorry I’ll write that again:

    Re your Hampton Court comment: we were there Thursday 12th July so we missed BEING caught by your cameras.

  19. My goodness! You are privy to classified info now…

  20. Hi Edvard,

    Okay, this comment is very late, I guess. You’re right. I liked this post too.

    You say: “personally, I suspect him of being a lot cleverer than most people imagine.” You’re not the first to say that. But, where’s the evidence? I don’t get it. Why can’t he just BE cleverer if he IS cleverer? Or is it just “Nobody can be that stupid so he MUST be cleverer”?

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